The Blog of vox

So this is what I've been dealing with for the past two weeks, letter starts at bottom, and continues up...



********

Yea I know all that sounded harsh, my feelings are still sharp towards it and knowing that, I knew there would be no chance

of making up for real on one of the days you'd have here, if i didn't get it all out there to begin with. I am closer than you may think to understanding why you need an apology. I am not in your head and you are not in mine.

That letter was hard to write, hard to read, but most of all hard to send, though I'm glad i did, and glad you sent yours I know it was hard for you too.

I appreciate it.

I actually cried writing it just from digging up the memories.

Anyway.



Just so you know I never blamed you for the whole sun stroke thing, I really blamed myself for that too, because well what kind of dumbass doesn't know their own medication right? -Someone who hasn't met up with NY' depleted ozone layer recently, that's who..heheh

i understood how that would be hard to believe and would sound like an excuse or a cop out.



Also no I wasn't being honest with you about the money, because my parents weren't being honest with me. So here

I was telling you that it was coming, when to my knowledge it was, then it just never came, then came the "I Never said I would send you that money" crap later on -from the parents -after I was stuck at a homeless shelter, and fuming at them over the phone.

- After our fight, the dad freaked out and didn't trust me and he asked me to leave.



We had spoke of where to go next to get out of the sepanski's house since you couldn't handle it there, and you told me that you could stay with your friend, i can't remember his name, but he was black and had dreads. He however could only take one person. I do remember you being so angry that you were yelling about what horrible people they were in their house. i felt like it was disrespectful of the service they had done for us. Albeit as uncomfortable as it was, it was still better than a crack motel, or a homeless shelter.. I mean, right? Anyway, that's what i thought.



I wanted you to go blow off steam somewhere else, take a walk or something, i did not want to be separated from you, and was not trying to throw you out, on the streets alone. I know what that's like, do you think i could have wished that on either of our lives again after everything we'd already been through? I can understand why you took it that way though, "You Need To Go" in the midst of yelling can sound like "Get the fuck out, i never want to see you again". I never thought you'd take it that way, or knew you've felt that way all this time. But honestly I felt it escalating between the two of us, and i didn't want to snap and have it get really ugly in their home. I still don't remember you apologizing, or begging forgiveness about that at all.

I'm not some cruel cunt, how could i ignore something like that, and dismiss it? I couldn't, and didn't, I hate that you see it that way.

I took you getting your stuff and leaving, as you being pissed at me for telling you how to handle your anger in that situation, and deducing that you didn't need me around anyway. At that point the way you were acting towards me made me feel like my friendship wasn't worth much to you, plus i didn't have the money we needed anymore, you didn't like the only thing i could have provided at the time (our place with the sepanski's),you thought i was lying to you, and I was sick, all in all I saw you as seeing me as dead weight, that needed to be cut away.



With my understanding that you had a place with your dreddy friend, it seemed reasonable that you leave with your stuff not to return. If i had thought you didn't actually have a place to stay, do you think i would have let you out the door with all your stuff? No. I never fucked you before like that, and that was not my intention there.

I'm sorry that i came off that way to you,- that i wanted you gone from my life, really i just wanted you to go blow off steam somewhere else like i said, I didn't want to get violent with you.

"You need to go now" or "leave now" are my words for "You need to get out of my face or I'm going to hit you." - thanks to anger management classes. Knowing my history i thought you were understanding what i was saying to that specific degree. Thinking you understood, I Thought i comprehended why you left, under the full understanding that you wanted to leave that hell hole anyway.



Speaking with Bobby on the phone he had already heard through pat/ chris/ hayse/ ezra/// that you moved right in with the dreddy guy, i heard nothing about a crack motel, it was the same story when i got back and talked to everyone and they told me that you were talking all this crap about me, and how i just couldn't cut it in NY etc., and that you got in a fight with the dreddy guy, and ended up living with linnea at some point. Even Tod confirmed all that.

Were you telling them that, or were they just lying to me?



I do agree that our memories are bias. It is hard to tell tones when speaking through email. that's why i went out of the way to disclaim it to begin with. No when I started writing i wasn't ready to reconcile, I openly admit that. but i figured hey, maybe if we can really get down to the points that need to be addressed, I can be ready. At that point if i were to just go and say yea let's meet up, there would have been no way i could get this all out completely, and civilly, within our confined time frame, not only that but it would be shitty to spend that bit of time you have in denver, going through this necessary tit for tat-ing over all this that could be gotten out of the way now.



Actually now i do remember what apology you are talking about, and it was before we blew up totally at each other, it was about my sunburn/heatstroke etc. I thought you meant you apologized for yelling and and accusing me of being dishonest, and pretty much a backstabber.

I forgave you, and like i said before , didn't even really blame you for not believing me at first. I was just hurt that you thought i was bullshitting you.



I didn't accept what came after with all the money issues coming between a friendship. that's what's kept me away this whole time. At least you had money to go on. I had 400$ all of which i owed you. You somehow managed to stay through it as hard as it was, and live out your dream of graduating from Pratt, moving on and making something of yourself in that beautiful city. Candidly, I won't lie I envy you that. To this day i hate it here, though there have been many reasons for my staying.

What stuck with me was "You did this on purpose, how could you do this to me!?" and some other things along the lines of - i refuse to pull your weight, etc.. I would never do something like that to someone i cared about, nor expect that of them.

That was the apology I was hoping for. and needless to say i understand why you feel the need for an apology too.



I'm sorry it's sounds self righteous but I'm not ashamed of how I feel, and not much for pussyfooting or sarcasm, so I'm trying to get it out as kindly as I am able, so if possible we both can move on. I don't know what you expected.



I'm willing to admit my fault, and have in these letters already. If you can possibly see my p.o.v., here and know that it is the truth in my mind, then I'm sure we can work things out. i understand what is true for you, from what you've said, and I am willing to apologize for what you feel has been done to you.



My number is 7**********, and you are welcome to call as well.

You will be busy while you're here I'm sure, so call me at your leisure, or whatever I'll call you, it' doesn't really matter as long as it gets done. I figure we might want to go somewhere neutral and private.

I would like to put this behind us, and for us do whatever we have to do to make that happen now, lest we leave it to fester in both our hearts again.

So tell me what you think..

Prism











----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: biodidact

Date: Oct 8, 2007 10:59 AM





in that huge blowup fight we had (which began as i had pushed you too hard in the sun) you asked me repeatedly to leave that house immediately. I apologized right then and there. It was the only time I apologized and i did so profusely saying that I'd not realized that your medication would leave you so fatigued and vulnerable to the sun and then on top of everything suddenly your finances were just MIA and i was just way freaked out. -i couldn't stay in that house with that angry fighting family and everything i was doing to speed up a departure was angering/upsetting you.

in short WE did fight. in the end you stuck to your guns saying that i needed to leave that house -immediately. i vividly remember saying don't do this. i am totally alone, with all this luggage -its not like i can squat, where will i go? i begged for your forgiveness. when you continued unrelenting i did say that if you did this you would be forfeiting our friendship and i meant it. I am pretty offended at the statement that i just stormed the door and you never saw me again?! as if you had no part at all in any of that!? yeah! i just took off to throw down ALL of my startup savings in some junkie filled motel. that was great! that allowed me to move into the worst neighborhood i could find and only one i could afford where i got repeatedly jumped and mugged! it was great.

i doubt you'll ever know how thoroughly fucked i was or how far that impacted my life here.

With concerns towards your finances I didn't mean that you were trying to fuck me over just that your finances suddenly changed and you didn't seem to be all that honest with me about them. That i couldn't afford to be in limbo & I'd be fucked for rent if we didn't get a place fucking soon. As i remember you called me a trust-fund baby insinuating that i had all this money to go to college and that i was just spoiled and couldn't understand the situation.

I did tell you that you needed to pay me that money immediately -because i was suddenly homeless and fucked.



listen. its clear that both of our accounts are heavily biased. i don't feel that the tone of your letter is the reconciliatory at all if anything its self-righteous and antagonistic. did you do anything here or was it just all me?! cause i can admit that i got upset and mean in that situation -i also know that i came to my senses and tried to stop you from kicking me out.

I don't "possess a much more pleasant view of this" i am attempting a reconciliation because i realized that you never would. I have waited 6 years for an apology from you and can see that you are nowhere near being able to give one. I have also realized that this rift in my past and in our friendship has far reaching (farther than our present) repercussions as to the people we both allow ourselves to be.

if after reading this you'd like to admit some part in this and um you know contact me -my number is 6************ i don't really think that we can hash this out on a phone but if you'd like to set up a meeting during my visit I'm down. if not; then I've tried, and i am fully willing to admit my wrong doing just as soon as your willing to come forward and do the same.



aO



----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: VoxyStVon

Date: Oct 8, 2007 12:18 AM







Hello Panda, this will be lengthy on my part I'm sure.

( Just a warning )

Regardless of how this may sound, it Is nice to hear from you.



Well, hearing from you is quite a shock I must say.

Here I need to state that I've never received an apology from you, Believe me I would have remembered That. Most likely you would have heard from me earlier if that were the case. In fact the last words i recall us speaking to each other were You accusing me of knowing my parents were going to screw me over, not sending me the money we needed to help us out. Therefore "I" was trying to fuck you over and you just weren't going to have that.

Also stating that i needed to pay you the two hundred some odd dollars i owed you by the end of the week or you would start up with interest. At some point towards the end with you storming out, you asked " So your forfeiting our friendship?" , i don't recall sparking any notion of that nature. In fact at that point I was devastated at what you were accusing me of, and the lack of trust you had in me. Out of astonishment, pain and resign, i sarcastically said "Sure", you gave me your bank account info and were out the door. No apologies.

6 years later and its still plain as day to me.

I recount this not to dredge up the past but to refer you to the last time you and i ever spoke.





The pain, and result of my life after that hurt so much that I was depressed for two years. no joke.

Finding out that my parents (mainly my father) just wanted to destroy my chance of a better life, so i would have to be stuck living with him, helping him pay his mortgage was the hardest part to swallow.



Honestly my life has never been the same.



I seriously don't know what you're talking about when you say that you apologized and asked for forgiveness. I have not received one call / message/ letter, from you saying anything like that since I left N.Y.. I'm not trying to anger you, that's just how it is. Trust me I have waited. Talk about a special pain... I don't understand where you get that really. I would like to though.



We obviously remember things differently, it seems that you possess a much more pleasant view of it though, being the one to have attempted a reconciliation.

Although after that incident happened it was scorched so deep within that it went nowhere but deeper. I stand by what I say here.



Also i wasn't trying to talk to you at the synagogue. I saw you, but was not trying to talk to you, I was afraid of what i had to say, and would not bring that to a place with such good vibes. i was sober and excitable and wasn't in the mood to have even the potential of drama that night.



This was not how i wanted things to go down either. Friendship lost, being ripped from my hometown by a manipulative ass (my father), my life pretty much ruined due to depression, yea not what i intended at all. But alas the situation at hand i cannot ignore. I have missed our friendship as well, but have had to let it go like everyone else i had let go of.



I do apologize right here and now, for placing my trust in my father and having that inadvertently put you in a bad financial place at the time.



I should have known not to trust either of them. and i haven't ever again, having come to find that they are the type who only call on one when they feel the need to ease their own minds as they feel fit..heh

Anyway I've written enough here.



if after reading this you still want to talk when you come to town, you can usually reach me here, i have no qualms with it. Who knows, it might be possible to resolve things.







P.



----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: biodidact

Date: Oct 5, 2007 12:43 PM





Hello Prism. I am coming into town from 10/16 to 11/5 and would like to talk. I was pretty surprised when you walked up to me at that gog party; it wasn't the right time and I didn't know what to do -so I just ran away from you and have never seen you since, this was not how I wanted things to go down... It's more that I don't feel like I can just reconcile without sitting down and talking about stuff first. Sometimes I still feel abandoned and hurt. I felt that I deserved an apology as I had apologized and literally begged for your forgiveness at the start of this rift.

I have held to this for 6 years, and even though I still feel it, this righteous indignation is a special poison that I don't want in me anymore. If you would like to meet up it would make me very happy. I miss you and our friendship all the time and hope that we can both heal this wound in some way.



-andie





Side note - You would think, if i wanted someone so knifing back in my life, i would have contacted her sooner..lol wtf.